hello baby.

I know I know I know

I haven't been writing in a while, actually majority of the summer, and it's terrible.

First of all life's been busy, but then again when is it not? I've been planning my birthday which is coming up in august and even though I should be happy, I couldn't be more bummed out. It's the second year in a row this has happened; every year there is some problem with the guest list. Someone has some issue that is such a bother to them that they feel they must remind me to weed out the people they don't like on my list. It's quite upsetting seeing as it is MY day, I only get it once a year, and I'd like to enjoy that one day with the people I love and care about without them bitching and complaining about who they do not love and care about. My friend A is back in the picture, it isn't turning out like I thought it would. We stopped talking because she said some seriously offensive stuff to me, and I need time to be away from her. We recently started talking and hanging out again (me thinking she's changed) but she hasn't really and she still wants to call the shots on my birthday, nothing is ever okay enough for her. My best friends K and M feel so far away they've been in summer school for the month and I feel like they've gotten closer and forgotten me. M didn't even call to tell me she was going away, K had to tell me and our conversations on the phone last like 5 minutes and half of that is awkward silence. I hate it. How can the people you are with all year, you've become so close with, been through the hardest times with, had the best memories with, be so close at one point and feel like they're slipping away the next? I guess I will find out later on today (it's actually 5 AM,I can't sleep at all) I'm finally seeing them, I hope we can talk things out. Next schools approaching faster than I thought it was, this may come as a shock but I'm so happy to go back, not because I'm completely nerdy and can't live without my calculator ha-ha but because I really miss routine. My life has always been so stable at home and whatsoever and I think that's why I love routine. I haven't been working either so I'm happy that's going to start up again, or to me a new school year means so much more than just another year. It's like starting over again. Every summer I spend some time to myself without stressing out or anything so I can take time to reflect on what went wrong last year and what I can change to make this one a way better experience, I also think that every summer I mature a lot, I know it sounds crazy that a 14(going on 15 in august yay!) spends time every summer to think about herself and what she needs to change, but its true I do, and during that time alone I always get more mature, more optimistic, I always have a different outlook on things, in fact almost everything, and by mid-august I'm so ready to just start over. This year I'm so excited to bring my grade point average up, get on student counsel and just do really well. Another thing I did this summer was look at schools and pretty much finalize everything, it's awesome because I have a solid plan for when I'm done high school, I called some schools, actually FIDM called me I was so excited and now I know what classes to take while I'm in high school that'll help me with the future its actually so great. Other than that there are just about 3 other things I want. I haven't dated in a while and I'm actually getting so sick as just about every guy I know seeing me as the "really great friend" after awhile when you start to really care about someone them seeing you as a really great "friend" goes absolutely no where. I decided majority of the guys at my school are immature, jerks, or not ready for a relationship. The few that are truly great are taken and usually by bitchy girls that are definitely not their type. But what do I know about types? I figured out that when I do meet a really great guy that's really caring, sweet, honest, laidback, and really down-to-earth, that they won't go to my school, I think space is good because it gives you time to miss the other person(absence makes the heart grow fonder),and that they would be mature as well. I really want some more mature people in my life, when I'm around them I feel way more like my true self. Second I really really want moccasins. And third I want this whole year to be so much better than last year's was I made so many mistakes last year. I was there for the wrong people, I focused on things that didn't need my attention, I let my grades drop, and most of all I befriended the worst kind of people. The friends that aren't really your friends, you know the ones that babble on about their horrible problems but are never there for you, the type that always seems to put themselves in bad situations they know they're going to get hurt in and expect you to be there to pick up the pieces time and time again, and last of all the kind that distract you from your real friends, the ones that really care. I befriend that type of friend. And to be truthfully honest I'm so happy I did, because it taught me to recognize a fake friend when you see the, and to run in the other direction. So most of all this year I'm going to commit to getting way better grades, doing better at my job, dealing with stress way better, weeding out the people in my life I just don't need, and I think if the right guy comes along I'm going to put a lot of effort into being the perfect girlfriend.

p.s. the title is from big city dreams by never shout never

Love love love love him.

Until next time,

Bella

Aren't these cute?

Shesgotstyle-nevershoutnever

If its not those cowboy boots in the summer
Oh my God I pray for another
Chance to drive down back highways
Til I stumble upon your beautiful face
Your presence isn't what kills me
It's that artistic gleam
That's taking over my scenery
Dream by dream

You might think I'm incapable
Of loving a soul like yours
You might think I'm a fool
For you

Girl you got style
That what I love about you
The way that you still back and watch this grow
You got dreams
And therefore I believe in you
All the small town people with their big remarks
They aint got jack to say about my movie star
she's got style

If its not the fact that I'm a wee bit younger
Or the truth that I'm so naive
My heart keeps leaping back to you
Like a dog tied to a tree
I know it sounds crazy
Its ridiculous to me
But without by my side girl

You might think I'm incapable
Of loving a soul like yours
You might think I'm a fool
For you

Girl you got style
That what I love about you
The way that you still back and watch this grow
You got dreams
And therefore I believe in you
All the small town people with their big remarks
They aint got jack to say about my movie star

What are the odds of finding someone just like you
Tell me why I never wanted to go back home
I'm still falling for you today

Bye-bye

hey (:

tee hee.

Ah

I’m not so stressed anymore :) but I’ve got to admit SO MUCH shit went down this week like holy fack! so Monday was stressful ish kind of my mom called me and she was all like get home blah blah blah,i was at K's house with M that was fun except I really think I pulled something in my legs because the walk home felt like someone pulling my leg muscles out,ouch.tuesdayy was hell I didn’t feeling like working but I went anyways, school was fine, a little stressful cause of the lab exam and all that, it was coming up on Wednesday plus my French summative was starting and I was scared shitless, turns out my lab exam went SO smoothly, like I was so scared that I wouldn’t know anything but revising and studying actually helped me so much, all the info stuck and I knew what to do, with the French summative it wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be so yeah that was definitely a relief.tuesday night shit went down. It was not cool man not at all, so I dropped a bowl near my locker(LMFAO) and I guess AF told C about it cause he happened to be there and he happened to be laughing his ass off, anyways after school I saw C and he goes "I heard you broke a vase" yeah because I totally keep flowers in my locker you fuck up, anyways I told him it was actually a bowl and then I walked away about five minutes later M comes upstairs and she’s like lets go out that way so we walk by C again and he has to make a coy little comment so he goes "oh she’s walking by again" I got pissed and threw him a chirp, I was like not everything revolves around you C,your ego is too fucking big and then he goes I am your world. I got pretty pissed. so I get home right and on E's facebook there’s a status totally about C and it was like if someone lied and told you ,you were ugly maybe your ego would pop, anyway I commented and I said I SO get this and I definitely agree, and E writes keep it on the dl cause his friends will probably see and tell him about it, that exactly what happened, so before I know it C's online (he blocked me a while back when he got pissed about something one of my friends asked) he’s starts bitching and saying nice fucking status, I guess we hurt him or something,anyways so I told him to grow up. That didn’t work out so well, we fought like CRAZY, i swear in my whole life I’ve never fought with someone like that before, it was just insults flying everywhere, I mean I really got him mad and I don’t know why, it’s not like I mean anything to him, but I guess I must if he got so damn heated, so Wednesday was the shittiest day ever! Holy shit.so he deleted me and blocked me on msn because that’s just how he is.

He has the ability to make me feel like the shittiest person ever.

He was at the vendies because I was there, he was in student services cause I was around and E was too, and he was upstairs as usual. It was slow death. So today happens. And I was reflecting and thinking about everything I said and how bitchy and low half the shit was. And I felt so bad, so I asked E if she could get him to add me back, and unblock me, he came online like half a second later so I was like YES. I message him and I said I was sorry, that it was wrong, that it’s true that not everything is about him, but that I was sorry for being so bitchy he said okayy.and then apparently his GAY ass friend D was over, or something, anyways they went on webcam. Lovely.

But all of that means he’s definitely not mad at me, because he wouldn’t have talked at all. So now I’m not blocked, we’re talking again, hes not being a total douche, and he’s being nice.

good good.goood.

so now tomorrow’s Friday and all that should go smoothly I feel so much better about everything its seriously terrible when he’s mad, or sad, but I know he cares.hes made his point known.

L is really pissing me off.shes so unloyal and untrustworthy I told her not to tell MT about something personal and she ran and told him. Lovely she did the same thing when I told her something deep. And she doesn’t care, she just lets it spill.anyways I’ve also been wanting this "Frankie says relax" shirt for AGES and this Abercrombie and Fitch plaid bikini and she went and got both of them, i was beyond pissed. it’s all so shady,im obviously going to get over it but I will admit it DID piss me off bigtime.and she doesn’t care at all, like" oh wow I’m breaking your trust hip hip hooray" whatever.im starting to not care, when she says stuff I either ignore her or like pretend she’s not talking that’s how I keep from spazzing,i wish I could be honest with her, but she always acts like its nothing at all and that its dumb that I’m getting mad. It’s not dumb. I find trust a huge major thing.

anyways I thought I’d get all of that off of my chest, and clear out my head a bit, i know no one reads this blog anyways but still all I feel right now is relief (:

I shall post later or whatever toots!

Bella

An old man turned ninety-eight He won the lottery and died the next day It's a black fly in your Chardonnay It's a death row pardon two minutes too late Isn't it ironic ... don't you think Chorus It's like rain on your wedding day It's a free ride when you've already paid It's the good advice that you just didn't take Who would've thought ... it figures Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids good-bye He waited his whole damn life to take that flight And as the plane crashed down he thought 'Well isn't this nice...' And isn't it ironic ... don't you think Repeat Chorus Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you When you think everything's okay and everything's going right And life has a funny way of helping you out when You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up In your face It's a traffic jam when you're already late It's a no-smoking sign on your cigarette break It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife It's meeting the man of my dreams And then meeting his beautiful wife And isn't it ironic... don't you think A little too ironic... and yeah I really do think... Repeat Chorus Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out Helping you out

i was thinking about my life and stuff and i realized theres so much i want to do

Nothing special. by EmyEmoEmu featuring Steve Madden shoes

I cannot forget. [May 14, 2009] by laura,c'est moi♡ featuring Aeropostale

Kate Moss Style by sourcat featuring Frye boots

Your fingertips across my skin The palm trees swaying in the wind

You sang me Spanish lullabies The sweetest sadness in your eyes

Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street You took my hand and danced with me

And when you left, you kissed my lips You told me you would never, never forget

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy I thought you'd want the same for me

I cannot go to the ocean I cannot drive the streets at night I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind So you're gone and I'm haunted And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that Easy to walk right in and out Of my life?

theres something about the way this street looks when its just rained theres a glow on the pavement you walk me to your car and i want to ask you to dance right there in the middle of the parking lot yeah were driving the road i wonder if you know im trying so hard not to get caught up in that now but your just so cool run your hands through your hair absintmidley making me want you and i dont know how it gets better than this you take my hand and drive me head first fearless and i dont know why but with you id dance in a storm in my best dress fearless so baby drive slow until we run out of road in the one horse town i want to stay right here  in this passenger seat you put your eyes on me this moment now capture it remember it i dont know how it gets better than this you take my hand and drive me head first fearless and i dont know why but with you id dance in a storm in my best dress fearless  

Labels: fearless

Standing at the back door
She tried to make it fast
One tear hit the hard wood
It fell like broken glass
She said sometimes love slips away
And you just can't get it back
Let's face it

For one split second
She almost turned around
But that would be like pouring rain drops
Back into a cloud
So she took another step and said
I see the way out and I'm gonna' take it

I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted

Another glass of whisky but it still don't kill the pain
So he stumbles to the sink and pours it down the drain
He says it's time to be a man and stop living for yesterday
Gotta face it.

Cause' I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted

Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted

She kept drivin' along
Till the moon and the sun were floating side-by-side
He looked in the mirror and his eyes were clear
For the first time in a while

Hey, yeah,
Oh, I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted

Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted

Oh, I don't wanna' spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by
Wasted

Yeah, yeah
Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time
Wasted

don't get fooled. by α y l α featuring Sass & Bide shorts

cuz im the best damn thing you have ever seen. by α y l α featuring Chinese Laundry boots

and think its all just gonna slip away

"i talk in my sleep,thats the one place i know no one will hear me"

id like to believe shes listening