I know I know I know

I haven't been writing in a while, actually majority of the summer, and it's terrible.

First of all life's been busy, but then again when is it not? I've been planning my birthday which is coming up in august and even though I should be happy, I couldn't be more bummed out. It's the second year in a row this has happened; every year there is some problem with the guest list. Someone has some issue that is such a bother to them that they feel they must remind me to weed out the people they don't like on my list. It's quite upsetting seeing as it is MY day, I only get it once a year, and I'd like to enjoy that one day with the people I love and care about without them bitching and complaining about who they do not love and care about. My friend A is back in the picture, it isn't turning out like I thought it would. We stopped talking because she said some seriously offensive stuff to me, and I need time to be away from her. We recently started talking and hanging out again (me thinking she's changed) but she hasn't really and she still wants to call the shots on my birthday, nothing is ever okay enough for her. My best friends K and M feel so far away they've been in summer school for the month and I feel like they've gotten closer and forgotten me. M didn't even call to tell me she was going away, K had to tell me and our conversations on the phone last like 5 minutes and half of that is awkward silence. I hate it. How can the people you are with all year, you've become so close with, been through the hardest times with, had the best memories with, be so close at one point and feel like they're slipping away the next? I guess I will find out later on today (it's actually 5 AM,I can't sleep at all) I'm finally seeing them, I hope we can talk things out. Next schools approaching faster than I thought it was, this may come as a shock but I'm so happy to go back, not because I'm completely nerdy and can't live without my calculator ha-ha but because I really miss routine. My life has always been so stable at home and whatsoever and I think that's why I love routine. I haven't been working either so I'm happy that's going to start up again, or to me a new school year means so much more than just another year. It's like starting over again. Every summer I spend some time to myself without stressing out or anything so I can take time to reflect on what went wrong last year and what I can change to make this one a way better experience, I also think that every summer I mature a lot, I know it sounds crazy that a 14(going on 15 in august yay!) spends time every summer to think about herself and what she needs to change, but its true I do, and during that time alone I always get more mature, more optimistic, I always have a different outlook on things, in fact almost everything, and by mid-august I'm so ready to just start over. This year I'm so excited to bring my grade point average up, get on student counsel and just do really well. Another thing I did this summer was look at schools and pretty much finalize everything, it's awesome because I have a solid plan for when I'm done high school, I called some schools, actually FIDM called me I was so excited and now I know what classes to take while I'm in high school that'll help me with the future its actually so great. Other than that there are just about 3 other things I want. I haven't dated in a while and I'm actually getting so sick as just about every guy I know seeing me as the "really great friend" after awhile when you start to really care about someone them seeing you as a really great "friend" goes absolutely no where. I decided majority of the guys at my school are immature, jerks, or not ready for a relationship. The few that are truly great are taken and usually by bitchy girls that are definitely not their type. But what do I know about types? I figured out that when I do meet a really great guy that's really caring, sweet, honest, laidback, and really down-to-earth, that they won't go to my school, I think space is good because it gives you time to miss the other person(absence makes the heart grow fonder),and that they would be mature as well. I really want some more mature people in my life, when I'm around them I feel way more like my true self. Second I really really want moccasins. And third I want this whole year to be so much better than last year's was I made so many mistakes last year. I was there for the wrong people, I focused on things that didn't need my attention, I let my grades drop, and most of all I befriended the worst kind of people. The friends that aren't really your friends, you know the ones that babble on about their horrible problems but are never there for you, the type that always seems to put themselves in bad situations they know they're going to get hurt in and expect you to be there to pick up the pieces time and time again, and last of all the kind that distract you from your real friends, the ones that really care. I befriend that type of friend. And to be truthfully honest I'm so happy I did, because it taught me to recognize a fake friend when you see the, and to run in the other direction. So most of all this year I'm going to commit to getting way better grades, doing better at my job, dealing with stress way better, weeding out the people in my life I just don't need, and I think if the right guy comes along I'm going to put a lot of effort into being the perfect girlfriend.

p.s. the title is from big city dreams by never shout never

Love love love love him.

Until next time,

Bella

Aren't these cute?