im surround by a million people,but i feel so alone.
14.5.09 10:30 PM
ive been thinking,just starring out the window of my large room just thinking about stuff
it all gets overwhelming.
my mother was screaming today about my room,and the mess,and i was sitting there thinking how is it that it gets messy a day after i clean it?
and i occurred to me that,thats how i feel inside,my room reflects how i feel
i feel like a mess,a disorganized,messed up room full of things that have no place to go,
there are random things everywhere that dont fit in,in any spot.
thats how i feel.
i don't fit in anywhere.
ive been thinking about everything
just so much stuff.
i was reading harry potter again for the fifth time
and it makes me feel all warm inside a re-connected,the way harry feels anyway
sometimes he feels alone,like even his closest friends to get anything or dont understand
i genuinely wish i had a friend alot like me
someone that loved harry potter,starbucks,obsecure indie movies,mayday parade and skinny jeans.
i wish i could be myself
and not worry about what other people would think
its so hard trying to be yourself,especially when you loose touch with what "yourself" really is.
i kinda feel like a jigsaw puzzle with pieces missing.
and none of them fit together.
ive got to say my closest friend is M
but shes completely different from me
and i dont feel like we can really connect and stuff
she doesnt worship hp or stare out the window and think because theres so much on her brain,
she cant sing along to the words of my favourite paramore song or even sit there and talk about life with me.
i really wish i had someone that was like my other half you know?
i feel really lost,and kind of hollow.
i just want to feel something
i want to feel alive again
i used to be all the time
but sometimes too many bad things happen to you
and its hard to repair yourself
over and over again
and once the pile up one after the other,you stop trying to fix everything
so ive stopped trying.
K and me have been talking again
im kinda happy about it,i have missed her alot
she was really good to talk to and just be there for me
until i got screwed over
but im over that because sometimes you have to see the good in people and realize that the good things are what people should hold on to in life.
so i guess im really happy about it
even though M's not at all
she doesnt want me to hurt again
i dont think K would do that though
and besides im over all that
i dont hold anything against her
and forgiveness is what makes me whole.
ill blog when i get home from KJ's with M
i really dont want to go at all
id rather stay in indigo with a good book and some coffee or a chai tea
than be at her house talking about H or whatever guy she likes now
its hard to keep track.
the person i liked broke me,and shattered me and it takes more than a band-aid to recover
pain is so hard to handle
sometimes its as if someone youve trusted and given your heart to is ripping your heart out over and over again.
i think im going to attempt to sleep
which wont work because ive got so much on my mind lately.